polyamorous or just biding time?

original image: bralette zine

“It’s just a phase.”

“Don’t you think if you met that special someone you would change your mind?”

“That sounds way too hard.”

These are the types of statements that I’ve heard over the course of more than ten years exploring unconventional relationship styles. In that time, I have experienced varying degrees of success and hardship in the pursuit of open relationships, non-monogamy, monogamy and polyamory. These experiences have shaped an ever-evolving definition of how I understand myself in the world of romantic relationships. 

I am grateful for all of the experiences, because I wouldn’t have been able to refine the ways in which I love and seek love from others without endeavors that allowed me to see what did not work for me personally. 

Of course it isn’t always easy to be non-monogamous, and yet it does get easier. This pursuit has helped me to be more boundaried, clear and communicative. It has helped me know myself and over time, many of my initial jealousies and fears have dissipated while my self-worth has grown. And I have forged a romantic connection with someone that is the most deeply fulfilling of my life, largely because I don’t feel like I need to shape shift to fit a mold. I feel like myself.

I am proud of this work. I have built self confidence in a way that feels deeply authentic to who I am. Hooray! 

AND, I am noticing that a place where I get tripped up recently is when romantic partners seem to initially double down on their agreement to a poly or ENM lifestyle, only to jump ship later on in a way that seems to say they never meant it in the first place. 

This happened recently with someone who I expected to have a long term connection with. Without ceremony or fanfare it was just kind of, “Goodbye, I’m in love now and back on the relationship “escalator.” I was surprised to find myself feeling quite betrayed and confused. I’ve known this person for four years, he’s known her for two months. It’s so easy to run blindly towards the sunset with a fairytale fantasy in mind, and, to me, so much more meaningful to show up for people consistently, lovingly, over time. It’s like great friendship…plus.

There are a variety of elements about that relationship that made it slightly superficial and unsuited for the type of secure and deep connection I am ultimately seeking. But, the joy of polyamory for me is often that you can practice an acceptance of the good things that people offer you, without needing them to be your perfect partner. So, while not devastating, I did feel like I had been betrayed in a way that felt akin to lying after numerous conversations about openness, expansion and being on the “same page.” (disclaimer: I’ve always been a sucker for the right words, and have had to learn the hard way that actions speak louder than words so part of this analysis speaks to my own reflection on that naiveté. Oops! What can I say? I’m a romantic at heart🤷‍♀️💓)

It can also feel alienating because of the lack of community for less traditional people. There is simply so much more camaraderie in a world where two people pair off and proverbially walk into the sunset. Or even in a world where two people break up and go through a divorce. Those are scenarios that society has blueprints for, they’re understood and accepted to a greater degree even in the face of all their unique relationship specificities.

My primary partner notices this downward slope in poly relationships as well. An initial burst of excitement, agreement, and an adoption of creative control over dating is frequently followed by his partners desiring increasingly traditional expectations of monogamy. It also leaves him feeling confused about where he “went wrong”. He and I both have a commitment to honesty from the get go with new partners. We both have our own brands of what works for us, and there is certainly a spectrum of how non-monogamous people can be, but we come to any relationship with honesty about it. And I think we both love how a relationship actually deepens when you recognize jealousies, surface them, and find ways to attend to a partner’s needs.

It seems as though, at times, the non-monogamous person may not be taken seriously. We are often flexible and adaptable and open minded, but we can get taken for a ride in relationships despite all of this. In the same way it may feel challenging for a monogamous person to share someone they’re in love with, it’s challenging for me to hear initial proclamations of openness only to be met with people dropping off or expecting you to change a fundamental part of yourself as soon as it gets hard. Many men have been initially dazzled by my sex positivity, only to turn possessive, angry and insulting later on.

The part where it gets hard is the part I’m interested in! I love to have partners who engage in investigation, self awareness and communication about how to show up in the face of a challenge. That feels authentic, that feels like commitment. At the moment, I only have one partner who does this for me, which means sometimes this shakes out looking slightly monogamous on my end. And yet, I’m open to the fact that he may not be the only one for the rest of my life that lights me up.

Many people with successful marriages say that being legally bound helps them to stay in it together and solve problems. I understand that and think in ENM there is a similar commitment to problem solving from the other end of the spectrum. When you show up to communicate needs and demonstrate love without having the legal and social structures to back it up, you are proclaiming commitment to your partner/s in a different way. To me, that feels the most authentic. It’s just another way of being.

Being open to a variety of relationship paradigms speaks deeply to my soul, it always has and it simply took me some time to figure out how to negotiate space for myself in the world with that outlook in mind. There is lots of fun to be had in polyamory, yes, but many of us also still crave commitment, long term relationships and alignment with our romantic partners. In short, I wasn’t lying. I wasn’t dabbling, or dipping a toe or pretending to be poly because I couldn’t find the fairytale. This is me. You too? Say it if you mean it 😉👽.